How To Trans Hollywood Kids

Celebrity #690 (they/them) seeks your adulation for castrating their child

Comrades: Glamorization is the new final step of ideological subversion after demoralization, destabilization, crisis, and normalization.

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I am Goodthink Celebrity #690 (they/them). For my entire life, I have craved fame and attention. Ever since I was a theater kid in high school, I aspired to make content for you to consoom. Please clap!

Over my glittering career, my narcissism grew as I racked up awards, influence, and cash. You peasants made me rich by watching my movies and buying my products. That made me realize that I am not just an entertainer, but your moral superior. My ability to play pretend, sportsball, and sing gives me the mandate to lecture you about the correct progressive opinions you should have too.

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Now that Hollywood is dying, which is definitely not my fault, I am panicking. How can I stay relevant? Being hip and cool is the only thing that matters. I have been preaching the sermon of open borders, diversity, and gun control while living in a homogenous walled compound with armed guards. Since that isn’t trendy enough anymore, I am pushing the most stunning and brave agenda - trans kids!

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My partner and I raised our accessories, I mean children, with gentle parenting. They have learned from us that cluster B attention whoring receives validation and praise. We have taught them that they can be any gender they want. LGBTQIA2+ folx are heroes and fighters. Love is love! We want privacy and respect, but will keep posting about how enlightened we are for castrating our kids. All of our friends are doing it, but how dare you suggest it’s Munchausen by proxy social contagion!

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I hate orange man and muskrat. They and all their supporters are transphobes. My trans child learned about the gender spectrum in Kindergarten at the Crossroads School in Santa Monica. Mx. Drag Furry is their favorite teacher, well worth the $60,000 annual tuition. Elon’s daughter Vivian was in their class. She is brave for taking a stand against her fascist father. We have sold our Teslas to protest his Nazi behavior like protecting free speech and reducing government waste. I am going to Tweet again about leaving Elon’s hellsite to join Bluesky, where trans youth are thriving.

The real victims are the males who are getting banned from crushing females in sports and going into their locker rooms. Stop asking me what a woman is, bigot! Anyone can be a birthing person. I am still sad that Kween Kamala did not become the first woman BIPOC president. At least Tim Walz is protecting trans kids in Minnesota with tampons in all the bathrooms. We will vote blue no matter who, even though our house burned down in January. Karen Bass is not an incompetent DEI hire and Gavin Newsom has such wonderful hair.

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I have to go now. My CAA agent is calling me. Hope they landed me a part in Snow White 2 because of all the publicity I received for mutilating my progeny. Any actor who does not validate my child’s lived experience will never get a gig in this town because we are inclusive. This weekend I am hopping on a private jet to go to a Bernie and AOC rally, but you must use paper straws to save the planet from climate change. Fight the oligarchy, except Governor Jay Pritzker whose billionaire family profits from trans drugs.

There is no coordinated agenda. This is not a cult. If you end your genetic line like we have, you will experience joy and utopia. RESIST!

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Want better art? Culture is downstream of economics: