How To Join the European Army
A call to arms for Europeans to fight in the European Union army and defend democracy against Russian fascism
Comrades / Genosse / Camarade / Camarada / Compagno / Kameraad / Kamrat / Towarzysz:
The time has come for you to enlist in the European Army!
Our mighty new army needs stunning and brave warriors like you to fight for freedom against the fascism of Putin and the Russians.
Putin has sent millions of Russians to invade Europe. Many have formed grooming gangs that rape European women and have taken over entire neighborhoods of our cities. For decades, they have committed terrorist attacks across the continent against innocent civilians from Madrid to London, Bataclan to Nice, Munich to Cologne. Every week, their cars are running over people and knives are stabbing children. Russian Orthodox priests are openly supporting Hamas and calling for holy war in their numerous and growing churches.
If you say that we did that with Muslims, then we will send you to prison for Islamophobia and hate speech. None of us were elected, but you must obey us. That is what vibrant democracy looks like!
We Europeans have a strong track record of military success against the Russians. Millions of European men have already died over centuries of battles against them, which made all our nations better off. We have learned from history and will achieve victory this time. Our modern army is open to all genders - women, non-binary, and anyone who identifies as male. There is no better way to serve your birthing persons than getting blown up by a drone in a muddy trench.
If you die, your sacrifice will be for the best progressive causes. We will open the borders to more migrants because we will need to fill the labor shortage caused by your untimely end. They are the new Europeans who are culturally enriching your communities. Greta Thunberg will jump for joy that you have permanently ended your carbon emissions to help us reach our net zero goals!
Trump is a fascist for trying to make peace and telling us to pay for our own defense. Fear not - we will win because we say so. We stand strong with you, but we won’t be on the front lines. Instead, we will command you from our comfortable offices in Brussels. That is where we can more effectively regulate AI and ESG so you can’t use modern weapons or cheap fossil fuels. You are not fighting for your nations; you are fighting for our globalist bureaucracy.
Ukraine and Zelensky are the ultimate model of democracy worth laying down your life for. They have lost a million men in the meat grinder over the past three years of war. Those who haven’t fled the country are being snatched off the streets by commissars pointing guns at their heads. Elections have been suspended, while opposition parties and media have been banned. Europe will eventually copy this state of emergency because Russia is the real enemy for spreading misinformation.
Your brothers in arms are the Azov Battalion. They are not Nazis. Putler is the real Nazi! If you don’t want to fight him and welcome more refugees, you are a Nazi.
Clearly, we are all on the right side of history. We also have the support of Blackrock, JP Morgan, Raytheon, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, Bill Kristol, Victoria Nuland, Tony Blinken, Alexander Vindman, Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer, Justin Trudeau, Emanuel Macron, Angela Merkel, Ursula von der Leyen, Klaus Schwab, and George and Alex Soros. Adam Kinzinger and the NAFO fellas will Tweet to keep your morale high. They are not moral grandstanding while getting rich of endless wars. 10% for the big guy!
Slava Ukraini! Diversity is our greatest strength!
War is peace! Freedom is slavery! Ignorance is power!
Who is with us? Wait, where are you all going?
Come back, or else we will arrest you for mean Tweets!
Your Overlords,
The Faceless EU Commissars
PS: Sharing the following images is considered a crime in the EU utopia.
Stop being both funny *and* accurate. You make the rest of us look bad. #resist
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.