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How To Root for Pro Sportsball
The stream of consciousness of a pro sportsball fan
Comrades: Pro sportsball is the bread and circuses of Clown World.
The major American professional sports leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB) have become unwatchable spectacles of demoralization. NHL is not as big and has bent the knee to a DEI commissar, but that is another story for another day. Fans who devote massive amounts of time and money to pro sportsball should reevaluate their priorities. In contrast, playing amateur sports is great for health, friendship, and character development for kids. This is a pro sportsball fan’s stream of consciousness:
I love sportsball! WOO!
I wear the name of another man on my back, even though he doesn’t know I exist and probably hates me!
Bro - member when we fought the rival sportsball team’s fans? I member! We really showed them who’s boss!
Dude - member when you ripped that foul ball away from another grown man? I member!
Bud - member when we got so drunk at the tailgate we jumped on tables and got tons of likes on Instagram? I member!
Homes - member when we rioted and destroyed our own city after our favorite sportsball team won in 1999? I member!
I love to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a crowded stadium, guzzle over priced beers, and inhale hot dogs so millionaires and billionaires can get richer. My loud yelling makes a difference to help my team win!
Who goes to church on Sundays and worships deities? Those people are losers!
I didn’t like it when they kneeled for the anthem and called me racist, but I’m loyal and will keep rooting for them!
I blow tons of money on merch made by Nike’s Chinese slave labor to show off how cool I am. How dare you suggest I need to grow up!
My sportsball team donates my money to child castration clinics, but I still take my boy because that’s what my father did for me.
If I can’t go to the stadium, I invite the boys over to my man cave so we can spend the weekend sitting in front of the TV!
When I can’t watch sportsball, I play it on my XBOX!
My favorite player is LeQuon Johnson. He’s 6’9” 269 pounds, such a jacked stud! Who cares if he’s been accused by many women of rape and abuse? He’s the star of my fantasy team and is racking up the points, so I hope he doesn’t get suspended!
During the week, I consoom ESPN analysis so I can win my sports betting and fantasy football leagues. We have hilarious names like The Ball Sacks and Drumpf! Can you believe my buddy Steve drafted KaShon Jackson over LeQuon Johnson in the first round of the fantasy draft? What an idiot!
Did you see the knockout hit LeQuon put on KaShon? Both will be senile and bankrupt by age 40. It was epic!
I know how all of LeQuon’s metrics for the past ten seasons, but I don’t know who my Senator or Representative is.
Did you see that terrible call the ref made? Or that terrible play the coach drew up? I’m way smarter than him, I would have run a different play and won!
Barstool and Dave Portnoy are dope. I want to be just like him when I grow up: drinking beers, eating pizza, and going to college tailgates in my 40s to flirt with teenage girls!
I don’t have time to go to the gym or improve myself. My partner is so annoying, constantly telling me to get off the couch!
What’s that, you say? Our overlords are laundering our money while escalating towards nuclear war? Millions of military aged men are pouring across the border? Elections are being stolen? Kids are being groomed? Crime and inflation are at record levels?
I don’t care, my sportsball team made the playoffs! That’s all that matters!