How To Root for Pro Sportsball
The stream of consciousness of a pro sportsball fan
Comrades: Pro sportsball is the bread and circuses of Clown World.
The major American professional sports leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB) have become unwatchable spectacles of demoralization. NHL is not as big and has bent the knee to a DEI commissar, but that is another story for another day. Fans who devote massive amounts of time and money to pro sportsball should reevaluate their priorities. Vote with your wallets and stop giving money to people who hate you. In contrast, playing amateur sports is great for health, friendship, and character development for kids.
This is a pro sportsball fan’s stream of consciousness:
I love sportsball! WOO!
I wear the name of another man on my back, even though he doesn’t know I exist and hates me!
Bro - member when we fought the rival sportsball team’s fans? We really showed them who’s boss!
Dude - member when you ripped that foul ball away from another grown man? That was awesome.
Bud - member when we got so drunk at the tailgate we jumped on tables and got tons of likes on Instagram? It was dope!
Homes - member when we rioted and destroyed our own city after our favorite sportsball team won the super sportsball bowl? Best day of our lives!
I love to pay hundreds of dollars to go to a crowded stadium, guzzle over priced beers, and inhale hot dogs so millionaires and billionaires can get richer. My loud yelling makes a difference to help my team win!
Who goes to church on Sundays and worships God? Those people are losers!
I didn’t like it when they kneeled for the anthem and called me racist, but I’m loyal and will keep rooting for them!
I blow tons of money on merch made by Nike’s Chinese slave labor to show off how cool I am. How dare you suggest I need to grow up!
My sportsball team donates my money to child castration clinics, but I still take my boy because that’s what my father did for me. It’s a family tradition!
My favorite player is LeQuon Johnson. He’s 6’9” 269 pounds, such a jacked stud! Who cares if he’s been accused by many women of rape and abuse? He’s the star of my fantasy team and is racking up the points, so I hope he doesn’t get suspended!
During the week, I consoom ESPN analysis so I can win my FanDuel sports betting and fantasy football leagues. We have hilarious names like The Ball Sacks and Drumpf! Can you believe my buddy Steve drafted KaShon Jackson over LeQuon Johnson in the first round of the fantasy draft? What an idiot!
Did you see the knockout hit LeQuon put on KaShon? Both will be senile and bankrupt by age 40. And it helped me win $200 in the fantasy football playoffs.
I know how all of LeQuon’s metrics for the past ten seasons, but I don’t know who my Senator or Representative is.
If I can’t go to the stadium, I invite the boys over to my man cave so we can spend the weekend sitting in front of the TV!
When I can’t watch sportsball, I play it on my XBOX!
So weird that young, fit athletes keep suddenly collapsing and dying. Definitely not related to the jab that is in every commercial!
Did you see that terrible call the ref made? Or that terrible play the coach drew up? I’m way smarter than him, I would have run a different play and won!
Barstool and Dave Portnoy are dope. I want to be just like him when I grow up: drinking beers, eating pizza, and going to college tailgates in my 40s to flirt with teenage girls!
I don’t have time to go to the gym or improve myself. My partner is so annoying, constantly telling me to get off the couch!
What’s that, you say? Communists and Islamists are murdering people in the streets? There are 50 million illegals in America? Kids are being groomed? Housing, education, and healthcare are unaffordable? I don’t care, my sportsball team made the playoffs! That’s all that matters!
Long ago I was an American football fan. Then one day, some spoiled piece of crap athlete convinced others that the large sums of money they made proved how racist the white slave owners are and to show solidarity, decided he would kneel down during the national anthem. That was the last "sportsball" game I ever watched or attended..
For the ultimate sportsball/political connection, look no further than the Rooney family, owners of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are the de facto rulers of the NFL, because of their status as the Democratic party kingmakers in Pennsylvania. Every single Democrat President and candidate goes to the Rooneys, not the other way around to receive their support. Until last year. Last year, the week before the election, Trump was a guest of the Rooneys at a Pittsburgh Steelers game, not Harris.
"Dan Rooney's influence as chairman of the league's diversity committee made it a requirement for any team seeking a new head coach to include an interview with at least one ethnic minority candidate during that process. For this reason, the practice has become known as the "Rooney Rule"."
https://www.wtae.com/article/rooney-sworn-in-as-irish-ambassador-clinton-gives-pittsburgh-props/7442930
https://s.hdnux.com/photos/05/07/07/1339863/4/1200x0.jpg