How To Freestyle Rap

Eminem's "Stan" adapted as Fauci's "Karen"

Comrades: Laughter is the best medicine and parodies are a great form of it.

Growing up I was a fan of Eminem and Weird Al, so today I’d like to pay homage to them with an original parody. Eminem’s “Stan” is one of the most unique and hauntingly beautiful rap songs ever made. It is about an increasingly unhinged fan named Stan writing letters to Eminem, who then responds, interspersed with Dido’s lovely chorus. The music video below has been viewed 500 million times on YouTube.

Fauci’s “Karen” is Yuri’s Weird Al style adaptation of this legendary song. It is about an increasingly unhinged Karen writing to Tony Fauci, with dancing nurses singing the chorus. If you know of any talented musicians, feel free to share so they can perform it. Enjoy.

[CHORUS: The Dancing Nurses]

My masks are on, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
My stinky breath clouds up my face shield
And I can't see at all
And even if I could I would keep mandates
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

[Verse 1: Karen]

Dear Tony, I wrote you but you still ain't callin'
I left my cell, my Twitter, and my TikTok at the bottom
I got a blue check back in autumn, you must not've got 'em
There probably was a problem with the winter of death or somethin’

Sometimes I get mad anti-vaxxers aren’t following The Science and The Resistance
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man? How's your research?
My partner’s pregnant too, she’s about to be a birthing person
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her? I'ma name her Rachel Levine (Ze/Zir)

I read about Jen Psaki too, I'm sorry
I had a friend rage cry over getting COVID, but they were grateful to be vaccinated and boosted
I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did in Wuhan

I got a room full of your posters and your pictures, man
I like the shit you did with Bill Gates too, that shit was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back
Just to vax, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Karen

[CHORUS]

[Verse 2: Karen]

Dear Tony, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans
If you didn't want to talk to me outside your clinic, you didn't have to
But you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew

That's my little brother, man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blisterin' cold for you for four hours, and you just said no
That's pretty shitty man, you're like his fuckin' idol
He wants to be in your experiments man, he likes you more than I do

I ain't that mad, though I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met in LA?
You said if I snitched for you, you would jail folks
See, I'm just like you in a way: I never knew my freedom neither
Xi used to always cheat on her and beat her

I can relate to what you're sayin' in your press conferences
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
‘Cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo with your name across the chest

Sometimes I even test myself until my nose bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the fear is such a sudden rush for me
See, everything you say is real, and I respect you ‘cause you tell it
My partner’s jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7

But she don't know you like I know you, Tony, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us maskin' up
You gotta call me, man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Karen—P.S. We should be together too

[CHORUS]

[Verse 3: Karen]

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Good-to-Call-or-Write-My-Fans
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months, and still no FDA approval—I don't deserve it
I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect

So this is my cassette I'm sendin' you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now
I'm doin' 90 on the freeway
Hey, Tony, I just got my fifth booster, you dare me to drive?

You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
About that guy who coulda saved that other guy from COVID
But didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is: you coulda rescued me from COVID
Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand Pavloxids now I'm drowsy

And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I loved you, Tony, we coulda been together—think about it!
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me

See, Tony—shut up, bitch! I'm tryin' to talk
Hey, Tony, that's my partner screamin' in the trunk
But I didn't put her down, I just covered her throat—see? I ain't like you
‘Cause if she suffocates she'll be fully protected from COVID too.
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh, shit, I forgot—how am I supposed to send this shit out?!

[SCREAMS]

[Chorus]

[Verse 4: Tony]

Dear Karen, I meant to write you sooner, but I just been busy
You said your partner’s pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
And here's an autograph for your brother; I wrote it on a face shield

I'm sorry I didn't see you at the clinic, I must've missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to triple mask outside too?
I say that shit just clownin', dawg, come on, how fucked up is you?

You got some issues, Karen, I think you need some counselin'
To help your ass from bouncin' off the walls when you get down some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
We need to social distance so we should never meet each other

I really think you and your partner need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin' just fine if you relax a little

I'm glad I inspire you, but Karen Why are you so mad?
Try to understand that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on CNN a couple weeks ago that made me sick

Some girl was scared and drove her car over a bridge
And had her partner in the trunk, cuz she was positive with COVID
And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it, her name was—it was you.

Damn…