How To Visit Karenland FUPAZ
A tourist's guide to the Federation of Urban Progressive Autonomous Zones
After decades of single party rule, FUPAZ have achieved utopia. My Sweet 16 power rankings are as follows (from most to least utopian): Portland, Seattle, Chicago, Baltimore, DC, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Detroit, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Boston, New Orleans, Atlanta, San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles (only because of the weather). Every college town is also part of FUPAZ. Austin and Denver on the verge of membership. Did I miss any others?
Here are a few tips when visiting FUPAZ:
Find your tribe. I once met a well traveled Ethiopian man who said the most segregated places he has encountered in the world are FUPAZ, despite how much they pride themselves on diversity. They are soggy salad bowls, not melting pots. If you find yourself in the wrong tribal territory, you may be putting yourself at risk. One of the most fascinating tours I have done is the LA Hood Life Tour, where our guide regaled us with all sorts of colorful language and tales about his experiences. Highly recommended and 420 friendly.
Learn how to speak the local dialect and make sure your vocabulary is up to date. Instead of the outdated term “women”, say “bleeders”, “menstruators”, or “birthing people”. Women don’t exist and have no right to privacy in FUPAZ, as any man can destroy them in sports and go into their locker rooms. Adjust your tone to maximize nasally upspeak and vocal fry. That helps blend in by sounding as irritating as possible, as everything you say takes the form of a question seeking approval to reflect your insecure soullessness. Here is a prime example:
Avoid restaurants where the proprietors are not the same ethnicity as the food. That is cultural appropriation, which is punishable by public lynching under FUPAZ sharia law. Dine at places with the BLM and LGBTQ flag, as they are known for friendly service. If you’d like a sneer and mucus with your meal, just wear a MAGA hat. Even the speakeasies will continue to check your papers (shout out to Green Russell in Denver, would be a shame if more people piled onto their terrible reviews).
Wear a bulletproof vest and carry pepper spray. In FUPAZ, only criminals and police have firearms. Citizens are unable to protect themselves and anyone who dares to own a gun is a right-wing NRA nut job. Stand far away from subway and train tracks. During election years, the police are actually allowed to do their jobs. The rest of the time, Soros DAs actively neglect their jobs and try to release as many criminals as possible.
Wear a mask, even when there are no more mandates. It shows everyone how virtuous and considerate you are. While does not help in preventing COVID spread, it does mitigate the scent of feces and hot garbage. Check your shoes often to make sure they haven’t been punctured by drug needles or covered in poop. Bring coins to give to the many homeless and mentally ill wandering the streets, as the high taxes and government/NGO industrial complex have failed them.
Consoom constantly. And post your spending on social media to bask in likes. Buy groceries at Whole Foods, work out at Equinox in your Nikes and Lululemon, binge drink Budweiser, binge watch Netflix, shop at Tiffany and Hermes.
June is the best time of year to visit FUPAZ. During this festive period, FUPAZ denizens and their corporate overlords celebrate child grooming like it’s the Weimar Republic. If you are part of the 90% of the world’s population who finds this revulsive, you’re part of the problem and you need to catch up with the progress.
Who needs Pride Month when you have Pride Forever? The flag above has remained flying for years in a Karenland FUPAZ airport. At this rate, the only way it gets removed is if it’s replaced by the updated trans flag.
Paging Based Jamaicans: rescue us!