Teach your children to question authority by being a critical thinker might be something to add...especially for their ability to "survive" and "thrive" in today's world.
Excellent Yuri, thank you. Id like to point out that many parents sedate their children with cell phones and videos. This is from toddlerhood on. On the doctor’s office they’re given their parent’s cell phone so they don’t have to focus on their worry about getting a shot. These kids are growing up with no internal resources to handle stress nor are they developing the social skills to have a simple conversation with an adult or even their own peers. These children will become the 30 year old unemployed basement dwellers playing video games and watching porn all day. Parents please keep the phones out of your child’s hands!
I'm in my 70s now. Now that I'm a grandfather I still wonder how our mother managed to raise the four of us the way she did. Yes, we had a dad, too, but Mom ran the show. She never raised her voice, she never punished in any significant way, she never threatened, and there was little that she would forbid us to do.
With so little control of us, we ran around destructively and insolently, right? Wrong. The one thing she held over us at all times is that she expected to be able to be proud of us. If we let her down in that, we felt it. And it hurt, not in any physical punishment, but in our sense of shame that we had let her down. She expected so little; she merely wanted us to be honest, compassionate and considerate! Other than that, our lives were ours to live however we want. And I still live my life however I want, but I still don't want to let Mom down.
Never tell a small child to do/not do something followed by “okay?” or “all right?” - you’re not asking them for permission! Just calmly and firmly tell them.
Instead of threatening to take away say screens from my 7 year old boy we have instituted physical hardening for bad behavior on the spot (jumping jacks, squats, push ups) and it is exponentially more effective.
After parenting three kids, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but the best discipline isn't discipline at all. I wouldn't even use the term. A high structure, high nurture environment works best. Rather than putting a kid in "time out," try putting them in a "time in" where they stay closer to the parent. Unfortunately it requires a mentally healthy parent who can stay off electronics and be emotionally regulated and present. If you and your kid are having trouble, the last thing you'll want to do is be close to each other. But if you can handle it, and model some good behavior, while you do housework or repairs, then it can help to foster a positive self-regulation.
Another piece of advice I can offer is don't try to "defuse" a tantrum. Provided the child is in a safe environment, let it happen. I'm not talking about a three-year old who's having a tantrum at Wal-Mart because mom & dad decided to skip the nap or go at 9:30 at night.
An adult raised in an optimal environment probably doesn't need to think about how to "parent." Unfortunately, the best way to find out whether you had an "optimal' healthy attachment in childhood is to become a parent, and realize you didn't. A lot of good material regarding attachment comes from adoption literature, but it applies to all children. Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption" is an excellent resource. https://www.amazon.com/Attaching-Adoption-Practical-Todays-Parents/dp/1849058903
Great stuff that I can confirm works well in my home. One thing I try to do is to address potential problems early, and at the lowest possible level of emotional intensity. Usually, the child understands and abides a small correction, and conflicts rarely rise from there. This makes it much easier to stay on the same page with them, because they're not resistant to input when everyone is calm. 👍
When they become teens, prepare for static. If they want to do something harmless, like pierce an ear, read books about different religions, listen to ridiculous emo music, whatever...take them to get the earring, buy them some "bad" books, buy tickets for them and their friends to go to said horrible music concert. Then, ask them questions about all of it, like you are interested and want to learn, too. Let them know that as long as they get good grades (their best), you will study with them. Let them know that you will always respect their feelings as long as they show respect. (This doesn't mean respect their wishes and if they act like a donkey, don't keep arguing with them) Just say you are done with this conversation, you love them anyway, wait a couple of hours and then start talking to them about dinner or whatever (with no sarcasm, which is very hard).
Excellent work, Yuri, as usual. Children learn how to treat others, family, friends, male and female, by how they see parents treating one another. I was immeasurably blessed to have two wonderful parents who modeled it. I think I learned who to emulate early on, maybe about 10-12 yrs old, when I was wah wah wah whining to my Dad about some discipline being imposed about what I don't even remember- "You don't understand me blah blah" To which he replied- "Well, Sonny Boy, at this time it is more important that you understand me than I understand you." Thanks, Dad- you were right. Miss you.
I was soooo excited to see you featuring Jane and Positive Discipline! I've been a student, practitioner, and professional coach for this program for decades. It's so loving, sensible, and humane-- and more importantly- EFFECTIVE. It allows you to bring out your children's self-motivation, and encourages their self-discipline. It's absolutely brilliant, and it works. Spread the word. www.STEPPositiveDiscipline.com.
All this is putting a label on what comes naturally when rising a child. What's happening today is all bullshit, there is not enough takers to become transgender then there is hype around it. Treat kids as normal , thinking, able to make decisions and choices with a little bit of
Control over them and they will be fine . Promote education, tell them to get a job , volunteer , it's good if they have girlfriends (for boys) , boyfriends (for girls) , even as young teenagers . Don't let them be freaks.
I’d like to see how many of the children not living with their father have another male in their life in a parenting role—uncle, grandfather, stepfather, etc.
Good article. I see upholding authority in the home as vastly important. The position of parent must be respected by the child. Not in a “how dare YOU disrespect ME personally” way, but in a way that acknowledges even though parents make mistakes, children are to respect them because they are parents and answerable to God for how they are raising the children. This is especially true for moms of sons. Also, if a child grows up always able to subvert the parent’s authority, they will think they can subvert God Himself.
On a side note, I went to Charlotte and visited the Billy Graham Library and was reminded that you were saved through his preaching. Thanked the Lord for you and the legacy of that man prayed for you then and there. I highly recommend visiting if you’re ever in that area.
Excellent article Yuri!
Teach your children to question authority by being a critical thinker might be something to add...especially for their ability to "survive" and "thrive" in today's world.
Excellent Yuri, thank you. Id like to point out that many parents sedate their children with cell phones and videos. This is from toddlerhood on. On the doctor’s office they’re given their parent’s cell phone so they don’t have to focus on their worry about getting a shot. These kids are growing up with no internal resources to handle stress nor are they developing the social skills to have a simple conversation with an adult or even their own peers. These children will become the 30 year old unemployed basement dwellers playing video games and watching porn all day. Parents please keep the phones out of your child’s hands!
I'm in my 70s now. Now that I'm a grandfather I still wonder how our mother managed to raise the four of us the way she did. Yes, we had a dad, too, but Mom ran the show. She never raised her voice, she never punished in any significant way, she never threatened, and there was little that she would forbid us to do.
With so little control of us, we ran around destructively and insolently, right? Wrong. The one thing she held over us at all times is that she expected to be able to be proud of us. If we let her down in that, we felt it. And it hurt, not in any physical punishment, but in our sense of shame that we had let her down. She expected so little; she merely wanted us to be honest, compassionate and considerate! Other than that, our lives were ours to live however we want. And I still live my life however I want, but I still don't want to let Mom down.
Never tell a small child to do/not do something followed by “okay?” or “all right?” - you’re not asking them for permission! Just calmly and firmly tell them.
🎯🎯🎯💙💙💙❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Instead of threatening to take away say screens from my 7 year old boy we have instituted physical hardening for bad behavior on the spot (jumping jacks, squats, push ups) and it is exponentially more effective.
After parenting three kids, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but the best discipline isn't discipline at all. I wouldn't even use the term. A high structure, high nurture environment works best. Rather than putting a kid in "time out," try putting them in a "time in" where they stay closer to the parent. Unfortunately it requires a mentally healthy parent who can stay off electronics and be emotionally regulated and present. If you and your kid are having trouble, the last thing you'll want to do is be close to each other. But if you can handle it, and model some good behavior, while you do housework or repairs, then it can help to foster a positive self-regulation.
Another piece of advice I can offer is don't try to "defuse" a tantrum. Provided the child is in a safe environment, let it happen. I'm not talking about a three-year old who's having a tantrum at Wal-Mart because mom & dad decided to skip the nap or go at 9:30 at night.
An adult raised in an optimal environment probably doesn't need to think about how to "parent." Unfortunately, the best way to find out whether you had an "optimal' healthy attachment in childhood is to become a parent, and realize you didn't. A lot of good material regarding attachment comes from adoption literature, but it applies to all children. Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption" is an excellent resource. https://www.amazon.com/Attaching-Adoption-Practical-Todays-Parents/dp/1849058903
"Go get me a switch."
Great stuff that I can confirm works well in my home. One thing I try to do is to address potential problems early, and at the lowest possible level of emotional intensity. Usually, the child understands and abides a small correction, and conflicts rarely rise from there. This makes it much easier to stay on the same page with them, because they're not resistant to input when everyone is calm. 👍
When they become teens, prepare for static. If they want to do something harmless, like pierce an ear, read books about different religions, listen to ridiculous emo music, whatever...take them to get the earring, buy them some "bad" books, buy tickets for them and their friends to go to said horrible music concert. Then, ask them questions about all of it, like you are interested and want to learn, too. Let them know that as long as they get good grades (their best), you will study with them. Let them know that you will always respect their feelings as long as they show respect. (This doesn't mean respect their wishes and if they act like a donkey, don't keep arguing with them) Just say you are done with this conversation, you love them anyway, wait a couple of hours and then start talking to them about dinner or whatever (with no sarcasm, which is very hard).
Excellent work, Yuri, as usual. Children learn how to treat others, family, friends, male and female, by how they see parents treating one another. I was immeasurably blessed to have two wonderful parents who modeled it. I think I learned who to emulate early on, maybe about 10-12 yrs old, when I was wah wah wah whining to my Dad about some discipline being imposed about what I don't even remember- "You don't understand me blah blah" To which he replied- "Well, Sonny Boy, at this time it is more important that you understand me than I understand you." Thanks, Dad- you were right. Miss you.
I was soooo excited to see you featuring Jane and Positive Discipline! I've been a student, practitioner, and professional coach for this program for decades. It's so loving, sensible, and humane-- and more importantly- EFFECTIVE. It allows you to bring out your children's self-motivation, and encourages their self-discipline. It's absolutely brilliant, and it works. Spread the word. www.STEPPositiveDiscipline.com.
Brilliance in the basics.
Great post, Yuri.
All this is putting a label on what comes naturally when rising a child. What's happening today is all bullshit, there is not enough takers to become transgender then there is hype around it. Treat kids as normal , thinking, able to make decisions and choices with a little bit of
Control over them and they will be fine . Promote education, tell them to get a job , volunteer , it's good if they have girlfriends (for boys) , boyfriends (for girls) , even as young teenagers . Don't let them be freaks.
I’d like to see how many of the children not living with their father have another male in their life in a parenting role—uncle, grandfather, stepfather, etc.
Good article. I see upholding authority in the home as vastly important. The position of parent must be respected by the child. Not in a “how dare YOU disrespect ME personally” way, but in a way that acknowledges even though parents make mistakes, children are to respect them because they are parents and answerable to God for how they are raising the children. This is especially true for moms of sons. Also, if a child grows up always able to subvert the parent’s authority, they will think they can subvert God Himself.
On a side note, I went to Charlotte and visited the Billy Graham Library and was reminded that you were saved through his preaching. Thanked the Lord for you and the legacy of that man prayed for you then and there. I highly recommend visiting if you’re ever in that area.
Yup. “No” is one of the most important yet least-used words in the English language, both personally and professionally.