How To Catch a River Monster while Naked and Afraid

Two Discovery Channel reality TV shows gained big fan bases because they reconnected us with our primal survivalist roots

Comrades: Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

River Monsters and Naked and Afraid elevated the genre of primal reality TV. During the lost decade of the 2010s when the great awokening made everything fake, they reminded us of the real roots of humanity. The first was an archetype of every fisherman, while the latter was the parable of Adam and Eve.

River Monster stars Jeremy Wade, a biologist and legendary angler. He possesses a calm, understated charisma. While fellow TV naturalists Bear Grylls and Steve Irwin (RIP) are renowned for their animated high-energy stunts, Wade is mellow and unflappable. The most excitement he shows is when he hooks a fish and yells his signature phrase, “FISH ON!” His genuine curiosity is infectious. He is happiest trolling the riverbanks and intentionally avoids the spotlight outside of the show, an ethos that more celebrities should return to.

Every episode has a similar plot. Jeremy hears stories about a legendary fish, investigates with locals, and then attempts to catch them. Each journey has different twists and turns as he narrates them. Unlike travel shows focused on luxury consoomerism, he ventures into the most inaccessible and inhospitable corners of the world. His quests take him to uncharted, treacherous tributaries of the Amazon, Mekong, and Ganges rivers. He shows respect for his fellow fisherman from every culture and learns from their techniques. After weeks of filming and suspense, he usually lands his prize.

Many of the fish Jeremy catches have never been filmed before. They are impressive specimens that induce marvel in an era where few mysteries remain. He serves scientific advancement, as the tags he places on some species have advanced our knowledge of them. Most are disappearing due to overfishing and development. He is a scientist, detective, anthropologist, conservationist, and entertainer all rolled into one. Characters like Jeremy and the river monsters he chases are increasingly rare. May we treasure this show and protect all awe-inspiring animals for future generations.

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Naked and Afraid changes characters in each episode. A man and a woman are dropped into the hostile wilderness. Their only task is to survive for 21 days. They have no clothes, but are given a map and one item of their choosing - usually a machete, pot, or fire starter. It’s a rougher recreation of Adam and Eve. A narrator plays god, capturing the drama.

No matter what the location, the priorities are the same. The pair must work well together to secure clean water, edible food, and a shelter. Weather, disease, and insects are the biggest threats. Yet the most important determinant of victory is mental strength. The contestants who are able to steady their emotions and endure stress are the ones who make it. If one fails, it becomes very difficult for the other to persevere. Humans are social animals and the isolation becomes unbearable. Every mistake could be fatal, but every success could change the game.

The most fascinating part of each episode is at the end. Contestants are reevaluated on their PSR (Primitive Survival Rating) score based in their performance, along with a before and after photo. The results are stunning. On average they lose a pound per day, with some of the larger men approaching two pounds per day - ~20% of their body weight. Yet they all look much stronger, learner, and meaner. Whatever modern diets and lifestyles plague them disappear in three weeks. They return home with a new appreciation for their loved ones and modern luxuries.

What percentage of Americans could survive for 21 days in the wilderness if their lives depended on it? Could you? Could I?

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