How To Win the 2024 Copa America and UEFA Euros
Demoralization winners and losers, on and off the pitch at the Euros and Copa America - extra time easter eggs at the end
Comrades: Football is one of the few remaining spectacles that unites people within countries and across cultures.
Billions watched the Copa America and Euro tournaments over the past month. The US hosted the former and Germany hosted the latter, showcasing the demoralization of the West. For more on the absolute state of those countries, check out How To Speak German and How to Root for Pro Sportsball. As I did for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar and 2018 World Cup in Russia, I will highlight the winners and losers of both tournaments.
WINNER: Argentina and Lionel Messi
Two years after winning the 2022 World Cup and four years after winning the 2020 Copa America, Argentina took home another major trophy. Messi has cemented his status as the GOAT. He was in tears of agony after leaving the pitch injured in the final, then shed tears of jubilation in victory. The squad is full of talent, fight, and trolling.
Messi and Milei have rejuvenated a great country. AFUERA!
WINNER: Pastor Emilio Aguero
A pastor opened the Copa America tournament with a prayer. You won’t find any mention of this in MSM, unless it’s negative. Remember, you must keep politics and religion out of sportsball unless it’s the approved leftist cult narrative.
LOSER: US Men’s National Team and Coach Gregg Berhalter
Coach Gregg Berhalter was rightfully fired after the host nation was knocked out in the group stages. USMNT couldn’t finish in the Top 2 of a group comprised of Bolivia, Panama, and Uruguay (combined population: 20 million). Team America lost two of the three matches and only scored three goals total. Tim Weah should never play for the team again after getting red carded for punching a Panamanian player early in that match, dooming his team. During friendlies before the Copa America, Team USA desecrated the red, white, and blue by wearing rainbow-numbered jerseys in virtue signaling distraction.
WINNER: Christian Pulisic
Captain America was one of the few US players who showed heart. He scored the golazo of the tournament in the opening minutes of the Bolivia match. Coincidentally, USMNT’s top players all have roots in the NYC metro area: GK Matt Turner, DEF Joe Scally, MID Captain Christian Pulisic, MID Tyler Adams, FW Gio Reyna, FW Brenden Aaronson, and FW Flo Balogun.
LOSER: Fan safety and American competence
America is no longer a first world country with the ability to host major events and keep fans safe. After the heated semifinal battle between Colombia and Uruguay in Charlotte, fights broke out in the crwod. Security failed to prevent Colombian fans from attacking the families of Uruguayan players. Several incensed squad members, including Liverpool star Darwin Nunez, charged into the stands to protect their loved ones. Uruguayan manager Marcelo Bielsa lambasted the Copa organizers for mismanagement throughout the tournament and defended his players for taking matters into their own hands.
The final between Argentina and Colombia in Miami was delayed over an hour because fans without tickets stampeded into the stadium. It could have been a mass casualty event like the Hillsborough disaster in 1989. 11 illegals were among the 27 arrested. No one noticed because it was the day after Trump’s failed assassination attempt. We can’t keep our own former president or border safe, so soccer fans can’t expect have any law and order. These dangerous, chaotic scenes are common in third world countries. Now they are normalized as part and parcel of the progressive USA. The world will see our decay as they visit for the 2026 World Cup and 2028 Summer Olympics in LA.
WINNER: Spain
Spain dominated the Euros in style. They won all 7 of their matches, beating every major powerhouse including Italy, Albania, Croatia, Georgia, Germany, France, and England. 17-year-old Barcelona prodigy Yamine Lamal scored the golazo of the tournament in the semifinal against France.
LOSER: die Mannschaft
Like the US, the host nation of the Euros underachieved and was distracted by virtue signaling. They were knocked out in the Quarterfinals by Spain. Their unique, badass nickname die Mannschaft (The Team) was neutered into the sterile, corporate DFB (Deutscher Fußball-Bund) because it was not inclusive enough. DFB also showcased a new progressive away kit: “In contrast to the more traditional elements of the home shirt, the new away kit is meant to represent the new generation of German football fans, as well as the diversity of the country.” Adidas banned customizing the jersey with the number 44 because it looks like SS. Normal people would never have noticed or cared, but the hypersensitive MSM caused a Streisand effect.
WINNER: Team USA and Germany’s classic 1994 World Cup jerseys
The GOAT of soccer kits. 30 years ago, the US hosted an epic World Cup that generated passion for the sport. Now it will host another in 2026 in a drastically different world.
WINNER: Christian Eriksen
3 years after collapsing from cardiac arrest on the pitch and almost dying at the 2020 Euros, Christian Eriksen scored Denmark’s opening goal at the 2024 Euros. Bless him for his perseverance.
WINNER: Own goals
A record 11 own goals were scored, more than the top 3 goalscorers combined.
WINNER: Team England
England advanced to the finals for the second Euros in a row. Despite their boring style underperforming as less than the sum of their parts, they never say die attitude contributed to dramatic lake heroics. They won 3 knockout stage matches after going 1-0 down: Jude Bellingham saved them from being knocked out in the Round of 16 against Slovakia with a 95th minute bicycle kick. Then Bukayo Saka saved them in the Quarterfinals against Switzerland before winning in penalties. Then substitute Olli Watkins scored in the final minute of Semifinals to win against the Netherlands. Substitute Cole Palmer scored to tie the final, but Spain won with a late heartbreaker of their own.
LOSER: England fans
The England fans kept up their boorish reputation. Their empire is gone, their borders are open, their girls are being groomed, but all they do is get embarrassingly drunk in foreign countries. Sorry lads, the only thing that’s coming home is the woke jihad under your Labour commissars. Are you going to devote a fraction of the time you spend on football towards saving your country?
WINNER: Scotland
Always the most enthusiastic national anthem singers. Beautiful song, lyrics, and underdog spirit!
LOSER: France
Despite making it to the semifinals with a loaded squad, the French only managed one goal from open play. Hyped team captain Kylian Mbappe got distracted making noise about the country’s broken politics and was quiet on the pitch. Will the world catch Paris Syndrome for the Olympics? Perhaps I will cover that spectacle in a different post. Pray for the Rouen Cathedral and Notre Dame. Why are so many churches and cathedrals catching fire across France?
LOSER: Ukraine
Despite all the flattering coverage, the team got blown out by neighbors Romania 3-0 in its opening match and finished last in a weak group. During its match against Slovakia, UEFA officials removed a protest flag that said “GIVE US ELECTIONS BACK”. Since their dictator (oops, I meant Democracy defender) Zelensky keeps running out of men to send the meat grinder, the team might be conscripted as cannon fodder soon. They should seek asylum in Germany, whose economy is reliant on cheap Russian gas. Slava Ukraini! Sponsored by the US MIC, neocons, and BlackRock.
LOSER: Fox Sports
Fox Sports coverage and commentary was abysmal. The best group stage matches weren’t even shown on their network. At least we have a great meme formats from Alexi Lalas soccer-splaining to peeved Brit Daniel Sturridge, and Landon Donovan’s failed hair implants.
The final winners are in the spicy paywall zone: