The Current Thing Company raises funding to help consoomers stay up to date on virtue signal gear

Yuri pitches The Current Thing Company on Shark Tank

Comrades: I have launched a new startup - The Current Thing Company! My pitch to Shark Tank is below. All new paid subscriptions will go towards building this company and put you at the front of the waitlist; you can also send funds via Cash App to @yuribezmenov22.

---

Hello Sharks. My name is Yuri Bezmenov, Founder and Chief Commissar of The Current Thing Company. I am seeking $1M in exchange for 1% of my company.

Karenland FUPAZ NPC consoomers are struggling with a major problem. They need to update their goodthink virtue signal gear more frequently than ever to keep up with The Resistance and The Science. Every month, The Current Thing changes from BLM to Stop Asian Hate to Azov Battalion. Or from abortions (my body my choice) to jab/mask mandates (my body Fauci/Pfizer’s choice) to climate apocalypse (50 years and counting).

Currently, consoomers have to navigate a bunch of random websites looking for random items that are often sold out, poor quality, or take a long time to ship. This inefficiency gives them a lot of anxiety, as their cognitive dissonance rationalization hamster wheels are running in overdrive from the fear.

Our product in action:

For a $54.20 monthly subscription to The Current Thing Company, we automatically send consoomers the latest flag, lawn sign, and mask featuring The Current Thing. For an additional $10/month fee, we also update all of their social media profiles. We even throw in free COVID vaccine boosters and Xanax with every package to keep them safe and healthy.

June will be the Current Thing Month, during which we will use children like Desmond is Amazing as brand ambassadors. If people don’t buy our products, we will lobby the government to mandate them through higher taxes and printing money. Finally, DEI and ESG are more important to us than profits. My co-founder Garfield (they/meow) is a trans cat with a gluten allergy and we will donate 10% of our incomes to The Current Thing.

Who wants an opportunity to do well and do good by investing in The Current Thing Company?

Mark Cuban: What are your profit margins?

We ship all items directly from our sustainable factory in Xinjiang, China. Nike and Apple use the same labor because it’s the cheapest on the planet, definitely not slavery. The CCP is amazing! America sucks! Down with capitalism!

Lori Greiner: What is your marketing strategy and how big is the market you are targeting?

The media and ESG/DEI commissars provide free marketing, so we don’t even need QVC. They update NPC software that primes consoomers to seek our product. Word of mouth spreads as consoomers rock our gear in their Karenland FUPAZ and tell their friends how virtuous they are because of us. ~30% of US voters still somehow have a favorable opinion of Joe Biden and got boosted, so they are our target niche. That amounts to approximately 60 million people paying $50/month, or $3 BILLION in potential monthly revenue.

Our target market:

Robert Herjavec: *choking back tears* As I mention on every episode, my father was an immigrant. I am so proud to see another immigrant making their dreams come true. Canadians would love this product and Justin Trudeau will mandate that they consoom it, otherwise he’ll trample them under horses and freeze their bank accounts. I would like to make you the offer that you’re asking for.

Kevin O’Leary: Not so fast. You know I’m a big fan of businesses like weddings and kids that involve irrational emotion and spending. I’d also like to make you an offer. How about $1M to fund inventory and 50% royalty until all of it is paid back, which then converts to a 1% ownership stake and 1% royalty in perpetuity?

Mark Cuban: I can help you on partnerships with the CCP and NBA. This would be huge at all basketball games. I’d like to partner with Kevin on his offer.

Lori Grenier: Sorry boys. Since you must comply with DEI mandates, I’m your only option. You have to accept my offer of 51% for $1M, otherwise I will call the SEC and FBI immediately.

Yuri: I appreciate your offers. Let me consult with Garfield and my readers.

Narrator: Which offer will Yuri accept? Find out next week. This episode of Shark Tank was brought to you by Pfizer. Now for a commercial break of music, prayer, and laughter: