How To Decolonize Pakistan
The Christian British and other Europeans are culturally enriching Pakistan with vibrant diversity
Comrades: The Pakistani Broadcasting Corporation (PBC) is thrilled to announce the latest election results. Sir Chadwick Kensington has won the race to become Mayor of Islamabad. He is the first ever Christian British person to serve in this position - diversity is our greatest strength!
Pakistani Prime Minister Mohammed Kefir bin Starmzad has congratulated Sir Kensington. Their Laballah Party is committed to increasing immigration from Britain. Every year, trillions of rupees are budgeted to house Christian British migrants in luxury hotels. Thousands of future doctors and engineers arrive every week by rowing across the Indus River. They have a human right to free food and healthcare, especially for refugees in need of dental equity. Under new inclusivity initiatives, Brits are given priority for jobs over native Pakistanis. However, more Christian Brits have enlisted in international hooligan organizations than the Pakistani military and some have even hacked our soldiers to death.
Islamabad was 99% Pakistani in 1950, but today Pakistanis are a shrinking minority. The most popular boy’s name in the capital city is now Harry. Millions of Christian Brits are culturally enriching Pakistan by converting mosques into churches and opening non-halal fish and chip shops everywhere. No one knows where they get their money from, how they can afford to have so many children, and how much of it is sent back to Britain in remittances. British migrants are waving the Union Jack all over Islamabad during protests. Knife crime keeps rising, so the Laballah party is banning knives. Last summer, British and French Pakistanis rioted in the streets of Lahore and Karachi over a European football match. Both cities also have British mayors and segregated neighborhoods for French, German, and other European migrants who prefer to live amongst each other instead of assimialting.
Grooming gangs comprised of Christian British men have raped thousands of Pakistani girls across the country, but the Pakistani police covered it up for fear of being called racist. Brits loyal to the Christian Brotherhood have also conducted several suicide bombing terrorist attacks that have killed hundreds of Pakistanis, including one at a Dua Lipa concert. Don’t look back in anger! If you criticize Christians, burn a bible, or insult their prophet Jesus Christ, the police will arrest you for Christophobia under our new blasphemy rules. They are pushing for Christia law, which includes mandatory face coverings for women and female genital mutilation. British Lives Matter has received ample funding from Pakistani corporations, but saying Brown Lives Matter is considered hate speech.
Maharaja Chaka Khan III of the Pakistani royal family has knighted Sir Chadwick Kensington. He has invited British Christians for Christmas prayers in the Grand Mosque of Islamabad. Most of the Pakistani national football team is British and we need more to win World Cup against India because they have so many top German players. Pakistan must apologize for colonization, so we must keep our borders open and consider reparations. The top priority of Pakistani foreign policy is to keep funding Eritrea in its war against Ethiopia. No matter what party Pakistanis vote for, more Brits will arrive and you will be labeled a far-right fascist if you don’t want that to happen.
This is what democracy looks like. Christ is King! At least we’re not speaking Hindi!
Coming up next, Dame Judy Dench stars as Muhammad Ali Jinnah in a critically claimed historical drama about Pakistan’s independence.
For more travel guides to Pakistan:
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How To Wage a Woke Jihad
Comrades: As you can tell by the title, this is going to be an extra spicy post. DISCLAIMER - I am against collective guilt and believe these parallels only apply to the extreme wings of each group. Moderates in every group have a duty to speak out against regressive practices of radicals.
Pakistan did such a great job of protecting the Islamic hero, Osama bin Laden that he lasted for years with his wives just a short distance from their army HQ in the region. My own experience of being stationed in Badaber in Peshawar where the U-2's flew from in the 50's was a great insight into women living in the stone age behind their mandatory veils. Delightful people for sure.
Yep, your satirical juxtapositioning of Pakistan and the UK perfectly highlights this current British madness. Having lived in Pakistan myself for a couple years, I cannot purge from my memory the horrible persecution (murder, rape, and constant hectoring) of the tiny Christian minority there in Pakistan. Alas, it is difficult to be optimistic about the fate of the United Kingdom these days. Seeking to be open to differing cultures, and embracing diversity, is laudable. However, turning a blind eye and to, and then celebrating, murder in the streets and the rape of children throughout the UK is not likely to end well. Let us hope that your highlighting the nonsense will get some traction and bring about clearer thinking on these difficult issues destroying Great Britain.