How To Fist Pump Down the Shore in the Garden State
Yuri's defense of New Jersey and a guide to its hidden gems
Comrades: I take many contrarian stances, but this might be the most contrarian yet. New Jersey doesn’t suck. The un-PC map of New Jersey went viral 20 years ago because it is too accurate and would be censored for wrongthink today:
First, let me acknowledge that Jersey’s poor branding is deserved. Most visitors only see the 5-mile radius around Newark Airport, which is the ugliest and smelliest wasteland in the state if not the country. MTV’s “Jersey Shore” amplified every stereotype to a massive audience, but only one of the cast members was actually from Jersey (Sammi Sweatheart, who left the show because it got too crazy for her). It was the trashy reality TV version of Sex and the City and Entourage.
Any one of the Jersey Shore crew would have made a better Governor than the past 4 Jersey has endured over 20 years. Big Pharma Phil Murphy barely won reelection after 3AM vote dumps because his top priorities are castrating kids and slaughtering whales to build wind turbines for his cronies. Big Chris Christie left office with a <10% approval rating and 50-inch waistline, but thinks he’s a viable presidential candidate. Jon Corzine was a Goldman Sachs vampire squid like Murphy. Jim McGreevey resigned in disgrace because he gave his gay lover a patronage job while married to a woman.
Snooki and Tucker Carlson are on the right side of history:
In another example of there being a Substack for everything, Chaos and Control is doing yeoman’s work. They are exposing all of the grooming in Jersey schools and the Murphy administration’s lawsuits against parents and school boards who resist their agenda:
Jersey is the most densely populated state and the third smallest in the USA, but it has everything. In the northwest, the Skylands are full of beautiful rolling hills and streams, perfect for hiking. In the southeast, the Jersey Shore offers several hundred miles of pristine beaches. The only reason why the state is not losing as much population as it should is because it is a sanctuary for NYC refugees, it has good schools, and is far superior to the other commuter town alternatives in Long Island, Connecticut, and upstate NY. Mrs. B and I grew up in Jersey, but have returned to spawn like sea turtles. Baby Yulia is happy to live near her doting grandparents. After their kids graduate high school, most empty nesters move to Florida to escape the property taxes.
Cape May:
In North Jersey, everything you need including NYC is less than an hour away. In South Jersey, most of the population is concentrated around Philadelphia and the shore. Farms are thriving outside of the suburban sprawl. Avoid the Karenland FUPAZ of Trenton, Camden, Newark, Paterson, and Elizabeth. Montclair and Maplewood are the Williamsburg of Jersey - all the worst PMC NPC limousine liberals congregated into two demoralized suburbs.
Delaware Water Gap:
Jersey was the crossroads of the Revolution. George Washington and his Army camped here for several winters. World history changed when they crossed the Delaware to a miraculous victory.
Above all, Jersey is an attitude. It’s “How ya doin’, fuck you asshole, I love you like a brother from another mother” at the same time. People here tell it like it is. I would trust a Jersey person to be real with you more than any other state. You don’t notice culture shaping you as you grow up, but once you see more of the world you appreciate how distinct it is.
This attitude has produced an outsized share of larger than life figures. Vince Lombardi. Thomas Edison. Buzz Aldrin. Frank Sinatra. James Gandolfini. Derek Jeter. Shaq. David Copperfield. Jack Nicholson. Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito. George R.R. Martin and Peter Dinklage. Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen (before he sold out). Anthony Bourdain (sold out and departed too early). Based Jersey folks are also overrepresented in dissident media including Joe Rogan, James O’Keefe, Tim Pool, Mike Solana, Alex Berenson, Jordan Schachtel, and yours truly.
The quintessential Jersey movies and TV shows:
The Sopranos intro features the drive from NYC to West Caldwell, NJ.
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Garden State (emo, but banger soundtrack)
Clerks:
Hidden gems after the paywall: