How To Reimagine Boston from The Departed to The (Woke) Retarded

Recasting The Departed to illustrate the fall of Boston, Maskachusetts from Birthplace of the Revolution to Clown World Karentocracy

Comrades: Boston has fallen. Like Team America World Police, The Departed is a classic movie from the mid-2000s. Considering how much “progress” Boston and the world have made since then, it feels like centuries ago.

Above the star-studded cast, the city of Boston was the main character of The Departed. Boston used to have a unique personality full of quirks, accents, and Harvard haughtiness: - “The Sawx are wicked awesome, Nomah slugged one ovah the Green Monstah!” Not long ago, each Karenland FUPAZ had its own distinct culture. Now they are all the same monoculture, only with different weather and sportsball teams.

Louis CK captured it best in only a minute:

Modern Boston is indistinguishable from modern NYC, SF, LA, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, etc because they share the same demoralized values and NPC PMC residents. Zombified Karens, bugmen and AWFLs stagger from Starbucks to Soulcycle to Sweetgreen to Whole Foods to Lululemon to yoga to happy hour to drag queen story hour. Southie has been colonized by yuppies. In 2008, I witnessed a Masshole friend kick a hole through his TV after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl and perfect season to the Giants.

“The Catch” shall live in infamy:

To illustrate the fall of the Birthplace of the Revolution to Current Thing Karentocracy, today I have re-cast The Departed with the progressive mob bosses of Boston, Maskachusetts.

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Instead of Jack Nicholson, the role of mob boss Frank Costello will be played by stunning and brave first-ever LGBTQ Maskachusetts Governor Maura Healy:

Instead Leonardo DiCaprio, the role of Trooper Billy Costigan will be played by stunning and brave first-ever AAPI Boston Mayor Michelle Wu:

Instead of Matt Damon, the role of Colin Sullivan will be played by his friend Sad Ben Affleck, who perfectly embodies how I feel anytime I set foot in Maskachusetts:

Instead of Mark Wahlberg, the role of Staff Sergeant Sean Dignam will be played by Maskachusetts Congresswoman and House Minority Whip Katherine Clark. Plot twist! Her trans daughter was recently arrested by Boston police during an Antifa riot.

Instead of Martin Sheen, the role of Captain Charlie Queenan will be played by Fauxahantas Senator Elizabeth Warren:

Instead of Alec Baldwin, Captain George Ellerby will be played by ghoulish climate czar and former MA Senator John Kerry:

Instead of Anthony Anderson, the role of Trooper Brown will be played by “The Squad” Boston Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley:

Instead of James Badge Dale, the role of Trooper Barrigan will be played by US Attorney for Massachusetts Rachael Rollins. Plot twist! She resigned after an ethics probe found she was found guilty of election interference and lying under oath. However, the Biden DOJ won’t prosecute because she is a regional boss of the protected intersectional mafia.

Instead of Ray Winstone, the role of Arnold “Frenchie” French will be played by Harvard historian Heather “Karen” Cox Richardson:

Instead of Vera Farmiga, the role of Dr. Madolyn Madden will be played by Tom Terrific Brady. Which one is prettier?

If anyone gets shot in The Departed sequel, here is the Boston “healthcare” they will receive:

Instead of the Dropkick Murphys, the soundtrack will be more inclusive and progressive featuring Boston University grad AOC:

A note on comments and a few Current Thing Month memes: