How To Reimagine the Office Psycho

Reimagining Office Space and American Psycho in modern demoralized PMC NPC corporate culture, soundtracks at the end

Comrades: PMC (Professional Managerial Class) NPC (Non Player Character) corporate culture is the institutionalization of demoralization.

Office Space and American Psycho are cult classic films about the insanity of American work culture. Released at the turn of the millennium, they captured the soul crushing nature of BS jobs and consoomerism. Ron Livingston as Peter Gibbons, Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman, and epic supporting casts conjured iconic characters who lose their sanities in hilarious, dark ways. Mike Judge and Bret Easton Ellis are legends for creating these timeless movies that get better every time you watch them.

25 years later, corporate culture and morale have reached new levels of depravity. Today, let’s reimagine the most memorable quotes from Office Space and American Psycho for the modern PMC NPC workplace. Get your popcorn and enjoy the show!

***DISCLAIMER: This is a creative satire, not a judgment. I and many of you currently or previously have worked for corporations. Plenty of good people do good work there, but the overall culture and societal impacts are something every individual has to grapple with as they have mouths to feed and bills to pay. Original script in italics, reimagined versions in bold. Rated R for extra spice.

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"Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina Speaking. JUST A Moment!"

“Diversity Equity Inclusion, Claudine speaking. JUST a moment!”

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“Yeah. You see, we’re putting the cover sheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you get the memo? I’ll just go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo… That’d be great, thanks a bunch.”

“Yeah. You see, we’re putting sustainable cover sheets on all ESG reports now before they go out. Did you get the memo? I’ll just go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo… That’d be great, thanks a bunch.”

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“You should ask yourself with every decision you make: Is this good for the company?”

“You should ask yourself with every decision you make: Is this good for diversity?”

“We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week."

“We find it’s always better to fire people over Zoom. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it virtually.”

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"I do want to express myself, okay? And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it!"

"I do want to express myself, okay? And I don't need 37 genders to do it!"

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"I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

"I have AI skills! I am good at dealing with AI! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

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"That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired… I’d say, in a given week, I probably only do about 15 minutes of real, actual work… I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be!”

No change.

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What would you do if you had a million dollars, Lawrence?
I’ll tell you what I’d do, man. 2 chicks at the same time, man.

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“And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...”

“And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if I can’t work remote, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit… and I used to work from home, and I could see the squirrels, they were merry…”

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“I live in the American Gardens building on West 81st Street, on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an icepack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now...”

“I live in the Hudson Yards building on West 31st Street, on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in the Huberman protocols, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll do an ice plunge after doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now…”

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“There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.”

“There is an idea of a Yuri Bezmenov; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an anon, something illusory. And though I can hide my face, and you can read my Substack and see memes resembling yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there.”

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“Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh, my God. It even has a watermark.”

“Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh, my God. It even has a pronouns.”

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“In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself… HEY PAUL! TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW, YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!”

“In '17, Taylor released this, Reputation, her most accomplished album. I think her undisputed masterpiece is "Delicate", a song so catchy, most Swifties probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about Tay herself… HEY PAUL! TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT CARBONE NOW, YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!”

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“He was part of that whole Yale thing… Well, for one thing, I think he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing.”

“He was into that whole Yale thing… Well, for one thing, I think he was probably a trans who did a lot of protesting for Hamas. That whole Yale thing.”

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“Well, we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.”

“Well, we have to build the wall for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination in the form of DEI and promote civil rights, while also stopping men from entering women’s bathrooms. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.”

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Both movies have banger soundtracks:

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Previous reimaginings of The Departed, Team America, Apocalypto, and Skull and Bones: