How To Make Millions from Trump Derangement Substack AND Win the Pulitzer Prize
Yuri hosts the inaugural Substack Correspondents' Dinner to skewer the human centipede of slop merchants
Comrades: Welcome to the first annual Substack Correspondents’ Dinner!
Tonight, we honor the most stunning and brave Substack writers. They have made millions regurgitating TDS from their orifices into countless hearts and minds. While MSM is holding circle jerks at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and The Pulitzer Prize, we will celebrate the “independents” on Substack. I am your host, roaster, and subversion subverter in chief, Yuri Bezmenov. Enjoy the show and your soylents!
Source: Trump Derangement Substack reference guide
Congratulations to Heather Cox Richardson for becoming the #1 writer on Substack! Letters from an American has amassed 2 million readers. If you want to know what Elizabeth Warren, HR managers, and your local AWFL cat ladies are angry about, inject Rants from a Karen straight into your veins. Heather is a historian the same way Biden is sharp as a tack. Or how that stripper really loves you and needs your cash to pay tuition. She cites all of her sources, which are MSM propaganda that you can get for free. “The Resistance” is when you make millions and have Hollywood agents representing you, just like her copy pasta understudies Joyce Vance and Ruth Ben-Ghiat. Orwell would be proud of them. They have faces made for Substack and kitty litter for brains.
Professor Robert Reich is here! Can you help me find him? It’s hard to spot an elf. Robert makes Kevin Hart look like Shaquille O’Neal. He is more likely to dunk a basketball than allow peasants to build houses near his Berkeley mansion. He doesn’t have a name for his Substack, but it should be called The Short Reich. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll save you the trouble. Every post goes: Trump and Musk are literally Hitler! Let’s award Professors Reich and Krugman the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes for permanently disgracing the professions of economist and journalist. Hey Paul - why are using this internet thing if you predicted it would have less impact than fax machines?
Let’s hear it for the Supreme Leaders of White Dudes for Harris! Michael Moore is camped out at the buffet, along with his long lost twin brother Reid Hoffman. Slow down, guys - you might devour Robert Reich. Public service announcement from Your Local Epidemiologist Katelyn Jetelina: Please remember to mask up and stay up to date on your boosters to protect Michael’s health. Trust the experts, follow the science! Thank you to our sponsors at Pfizer and Moderna for saving lives.
Drumroll please… the yellow journalism award for Most Wars Started goes to… Bill Kristol and The Bulwark! Find yourself someone who loves you as much as they love regime change and getting people killed. Their USAID funding dried up, so please support them. They will be co-hosting the afterparty with Steve Schmidt and Rick Wilson of The Lincoln Project. Many attractive young men will be coming.
BREAKING: I have been informed that we have run out of tissues. Jim Acosta and Adam Kinzinger have used them all up. Let’s give them a round of applause. They are the real men standing up to toxic masculinity and bullies. No narcissism or lying detected. As Jim says, “Don't give into the lies. Don't give into fear. Hold on to the truth. And hope.” They are competing hard for lowest levels of testosterone, IQ, and self awareness.
Medhi Hasan named his Substack Zeteo, which is Greek for “to seek”. According to his website, he seeks to answer the questions that really matter, while always striving for the truth. That’s it. That’s the joke. A more accurate name for Zeteo is the Woke Jihad Jizya. Due to the untimely loss of several staff members, they have banned beepers from their newsroom.
Dan Rather of Unsteady, I mean Steady, has graced us with his presence. What is more soiled, his reputation or Biden’s diaper? Hope all is well at your nursing home with Scranton Joe.You are both such brave truth tellers who are definitely not senile or out of touch. Ignore such debunked disinformation conspiracy theories!
Kudos to Jen Rubin and Norm Eisen for racking up 300,000 subscribers in a month with The Contrarian! They have set a records for fastest Substack purple check, cringiest astroturf, and most anti-semitism generated. When you agree with 90% of swamp voters, but suddenly think MSM is corrupt because your owner shifted slightly to the center, even though you manufactured propaganda for decades, you too can be a contrarian! If we forced Guantanamo prisoners to watch them on loop, it would be a worse war crime than waterboarding. They would divulge all of their secrets and Epstein themselves. That would be a win for everyone and the only way these two could serve their country in a positive way.
Meidas Mighty is owning Trump! We know that because the Meiselas bros brag about their ratings in every post. Clearly they are winning and not smarmy losers. Their daddy is a rich Hollywood entertainment lawyer, but they need your hard-earned money to keep crushing FOX/CNN in the YouTube rankings and protect themselves from death threats. These claims are 100% true and not faked at all for emotional manipulation. Hey Ben - care to share what the “Diddy spoon” was?
Noah Smith and Matt Yglesias are co-winners of the AKSHUALLY award. We should admire their wonk slop as an art form. Tons of words and data, but not an ounce of insight. Their takes age like the people in this room. Here is a summary of their creative process:
Step 1: A horrific crime occurs, like an illegal immigrant burning a woman to death in the subway.
Step 2: Write piece called “AKSHUALLY, CRIME IS DOWN”
Step 3: 10,000+ people pay them millions of dollars of year because they’re “smart”, vote blue no matter who cuz data and orange man bad.
Step 4: Civilizational collapse.
Are you aware that Mary Trump is the orange menace’s niece? Or that Tim Snyder is a professor at Yale who hates fascists? Just making sure because that’s all they ever talk about. Shout out to Aaron Rupar as well. He is the hardest working clipper out there. He does an incredible job trying to own Trump with videos that end up making him look awesome. Keep it up, bud!
Thank you all so much for protecting our sacred democracy. This is the whitest, whiniest room I have ever been in. You heads are too far each other’s rectums to understand that your never-ending hysteria, combined with SSRIs, will inspire many more Ryan Rouths. If you take away one thing tonight, please lead by example. Give your jobs and incomes to oppressed BIPOCs, then permanently end your carbon emissions. The hot air you spew is contributing to the global warming that caused Los Angeles to burn down. Trump will live in your heads rent free until your last breath. Sleep well. Good night!
Public service announcement: please help your loved ones improve their information diets. If you wouldn’t trust someone to watch your kids or pets, then why would you trust them to tell you what is going on in the world?
For a fun show on astroturfing:
How To Astroturf Culture and Super Bowl LIX
Comrades: Our society and sportsball are fully astroturfed.
Robert Reich's substack should be called "The Turd Reich."
Perhaps the thing on that list that amazed me the most is how many out there are actually willing to be paid subscribers to such drivel.
However, we must admit that one of the great things about the Substack platform is that it can tolerate the presence of the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly without feeling threatened in the least. I just look at those paid subs as a subsidy that enables Substack to continue offering the good stuff.